I watch hundreds of athletic contests at various levels each year. And for the most part besides the occasional tie in soccer at some levels, the one thing that I see consistently are parents going through a heart wrenching moments. The cause of this is their helplessess of watching their child struggle, fail, and lose at something that is very important to them and possibly something that they have attached their identity to.
I can only imagine the toll this takes on parents as they sit, stand or pace while only being able to yell out something they think helps take the anguish away from their child and themselves. However, I too often hear or see parents try to come to the rescue and bail their children out by making excuses or playing the blame game (blaming everything from the weather to refs, to teammates, to coaches). They want to do anything but allow their child to carry the burden of blame.
I understand a parent’s desire, need, etc. to protect their child, but the worst thing parents can do is throw out blame and hand out excuses. Instead try one of the following:
- Show Unconditional Love. Let your child know through your actions, not just your words that you love them regardless of their performance. Show them that while you want them to do their best, their identity is not based on how they perform.
- Inspire, Encouragement, Motivate. Without making excuses or blaming something or someone, know what motivates or inspires your child to work harder or to bounce back next time.
- Find the Positives Genuinely. The last thing most athletes want to hear after a bad performance is that they did well. They know when they didn’t, so don’t say otherwise. However, there is always a positive to gleam from a performance. At times, you may have to look a little harder than others but it’s there so keep looking. When I competed, I didn’t realize it at the time what my dad was doing, but after every win or great performance he would point out what I needed to work on or improve. However, when I had a bad day, he could always find a few things I did well. While my ego wanted to hang on to the fact that I still didn’t perform how I wanted, I heard him (even if I acted like I didn’t- sorry dad) and it helped me move some of my thoughts away from the negative. It also gave me a starting point for the next game.
- Challenge Them to Learn. When we don’t win, we are either Learners or Losers. Challenge your child to find the lesson in the event. Hanging on to a lose or reverting back to blaming or excuse making only creates losing. When your child learns from an event (all games are lessons), they are more likely to do better when facing a similar situation in the future. In addition, when you create a learning environment, you are creating children that grow into adults that can bounce back quickly from any failure in life.
*A great exercise to use to tie in #3 and #4 is to have your child later that day or next morning list 3-5 positives after every contest and/or practice (regardless of performance) and then list 1-2 things they learned and are going to use to make themselves better and stronger.
For additional confidence building advice, check out “The Confident Athlete: 4 Easy Steps to Build and Maintain Confidence” online at Amazon or Barnes and Noble: https://r2lc.com/the-confident-athlete-4-easy-steps-to-build-and-maintain-confidence/.
For daily confidence tips, follow on twitter @tamimatheny and sign up for the monthly confidence calendar: https://r2lc.com/monthly-confidence-calendar-newsletter/
Tami Matheny is a Mental Game Coach and Author. She owns and runs, Refuse2LoseCoaching. Follow her on twitter @r2lcoaching and Instagram @refuse2losecoaching.
Looking for additional resources? Join one of the Facebook Groups or Pages below:
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- Success For Teams (Resources to help teams start strong) http://www.successforteams.com
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